Sunday, June 7, 2009

Local cat "Extracts" bomb

Local Cat Snoops was walking along casually when something caught his eye. It was a cylinder of something. It had a label, but Snoops is a kitten. And everyone knows you have to be a cat to read. Snoops was flabbergasted. He
hadn't seen it before. He'd seen the blue one and the red one, but not the ORANGE. He dialed - in his haste - 919, which is the therapist. T: Hello?
S: I found the orange one. T: Ok. Now you need Lavender, Peach Rainbow, etc. - Hang Up - - Hang Up - There was liquid inside. Snoops drank it. Then he felt a giant force inside. He burped and it hit the can and BLEW it up.
So really the moral is: NEVER DRINK FANTA.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Local Drunkard-artist arrested P1


Local drunk Seamus F. O'Reilly, was looking for a job when he saw: "Artist". He thanked his copy of "The Kitty City Gazette". His cousin, Ramona, lived in Kitty City, and sent him old copies that she hadn't urinated on. Seamus went to the Kitty City "NEWS JOB" building. The "NEWS JOB" building, is a place where you get jobs from news ads. Seamus had to paint an audition painting. He painted "Invisible Cheezburger". He won the job. His first masterpiece was painted drunk. It was called "Phsyco Viking Mario Riding My Brother". He got arrested for being drunk and painting.
More news tomorow...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Local citizen makes pirated NES games

Local cat Ozzie C. At, was caught pirating old Nintendo NES games. He was doing Super Mario Bros. at the time. He had files and instructions on his iPhone 3G. Even his to-do list said "Bootleg NES/Wii/Gamecube/Game boy games. Sell. Title: "Oz's Games! All your Nintendo favs! Eat pie." Eat pie? We don't know. We're sure the judge will find out. He was also pirating CD's and DVD's. DVD company was "DIC" and the CD's were "Aerosmith","U2" and "AC/DC". "I did what any cat would do," said Oz in court. "You, my judge and friend, STOLE MCDOMESTICS GOOD - GOOD - GOOD FRIEZ!!!" The judge put his head in hands and started sobbing.
More on this tommorow...

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Local cat gets hit by rubber chicken

Local pack-cat Ozzie C. At, was at Lunch. The skeptical Junior in St. Catrick's High School was tearing away at his dessert. His friend Lokey came over to him. "Hey O-man wazzup?" He asked. "Oh nothing," said Ozzie. "Something's kinda bothering me." "Well, if you're troubled, talk to Lokey," Lokey said. "That's what Snoops says to his pals." "That jerk?" Ozzie asked "Pfffffft! He talks to himself for friends. Which explains why he says to go to you." "It was a... prank! You had the idea!" Lokey said. "Lokey," Ozzie chimed in. "I said to be a fortune teller. You, setup the parank. You know, the permanent mind bogglers?" "Yeah" Lokey responded. Orsin, this freak and Ninja-addict cat, was hiding under table 7. He had a six shooter... of rubber chickens. Brought to you by Uncle Pun! He aimed carefully, considering he was a sharpshooter. He was in Future-Recruits 7 grade+ Boot camp. He was a recruit of Captain Squirr. El. He aimed and fired. Ozzie, (instead of Lokey,) was hit in the back of his "wittew" head. (little head.) Orsin was spotted and accused and taken to the principal. Professor Abbey. He ended up with a punishment of two years in Future-Recruits 7 grade+ Boot Camp. Abbey obviously forgot the crime was "shooting" and this will only repeat what happened today. Lokey saw the scene and was about to report...too late. He drew a picture.


Monday, March 30, 2009

Local cat gets laptop stolen by cops

Local Freshman in College Snoops K. Itten, was eating at "Mcdomestics" when he dropped his Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwich. "Ugh!" It landed in his lap. Snoops continued eating. He opened up his backpack and took out his laptop. He opened up the file Snack.jpg. "Ohhhhhh Yeahhhh..." Mumbled Snoops. He was proud of his jpg's. He had files called "Snack, Tornado hitting hamburger, Cool drawing of Groucho Marx, and LOLcat on CNN". But who doesn't have LOLcat on CNN? He finished his lunch and went home. When he got home he
called his friend. They talked for 3 hours complaining about phone bills. He put his laptop on the charger and went downstairs. He played Wii for an hour and a half. He went upstairs to upload his Spring Break pics onto his laptop. Not because they were awsome, because they could save as jpg's. Snoops' laptop was gone! He called 911. Snoops: "Hello? Someone stole my laptop!" 911: "Ummmmm... we'll get right on it...? What's the serial number?" Snoops: "4675C4578V984278Q037429Q!" 911: "Ok."
Three days later, The Cats News hadn't published anything about a search. Snoops went to the police station. He went to the main desk and saw the police (Ok, Snoops has won the best jpg's award and was on JPG or channel 457690) looking at his jpg's! They stole it! Snoops said the cops should arrest themselves. The boss arrested them. Snoops is happy he has his jpg's back.

Cat gets fired P2

Tuesday, March 31


Snoops' boss has recived 679 pleading notes and chooses to ignore the mailman by watching Youtube. "Until he comes in with a sword, I'm watchin' vids." Commented the boss. Snoops is searching for work at a bed company. With his lack of work, he might just want free naps.

Cat gets fired

Monday, March 30
Local cat Snoops, got fired yesterday do to a lack of work. Snoops, interviewed at home said it was "odd" even though his neighbor/ X-Coworker Abbie said "It was unsurprising, considering all he does is lie around and scratch his butt. If he's not doing that, he's napping." Snoops never answered any phone calls for auditions. He worked at Ta-Da! Productions. "It wasn't fair! He'll regret it." commented Snoops uneasily on the word regret. The Boss (of Snoops' work) has received about 457 pleading notes. More mews tommorow...

Cat Gets Knocked Out By Tennis Ball

Local cats Hobbes and Milo were on vacation in Kittyville playing tennis. Milo felt more like playing badminton, because Hobbes was to clumsy to serve. "I kept showing him how to do it, but after a while, he had fallen down as many times as a cat with sneakers! By the way, what are sneakers?" Commented and questioned Milo. Hobbes said his 1st tennis game on TV (ESPN Extreme Shorthairs Possibly Neutered) was "Inspirational" and he wanted to play, whereas Milo just wanted to do something after 20 minutes of a cat falling down after trying to serve a tennis ball. Milo thought about doing what his cousin Madison did. Lock Hobbes in a cabinet. Whereas here, it would be a locker. Or a duffel bag. Hobbes finally did serve a ball, but of course Milo wasn't looking. (I mean, how many hundred times can you see a cat fall down and not get bored after 45 minutes.) So the ball hit him in the head. He fell over. Hobbes at first thought "Oh he's just unconscious... UNCONSCIOUS?!?!?!?!!?" then thought, "Maybe he was surprised I served one." Police have found the tennis ball. They have discovered it is a Wilson 2 Tennis Ball.


Tennis Ball

Officers Snoops K. Itten and Ozzie C.at along with Lokey and Abbie arrived at the scene at 3:17 PM. Milo was distracted by YouTube: Build your own Sponge bob. His YouTube history was way above his age. Hobbes, a Script Editor of "Ta-Da! Productions", said it was "fascinating" to see a cat go down by just getting hit by a 567 mph tennis ball in the head. A crowd gathered around and someone asked if he was a cat or a tiger? Obviously a reader of "Calvin and Hobbes". Hobbes felt insulted and we are comforting him by yelling "Your books are great, but we could live without them BILL WATTERSON!!!!" "Ok, probably not the best way to comfort him, but he grinned. Milo was fine in the end. Hobbes has agreed to be a badminton champ instead of tennis. We will now have honorary "No Tennis" day, dedicated to Milo.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Cat vs. the 4th dimension Part 3 of 3

He ran to someone in uniform. "Mr! Mr!...Lokey! Lokey," said Snoops."Help me! There's this phsyco freak cat from the 4th dimension who does and looks like me!" "That's your reflection, sir." Lokey said. "Oh yeah. I knew that...?" Snoops told Lokey. He said he would remember that there was no 4th dimension. He went back to the mirror and jumped again. "$300?!," said Snoops. "That's just wrong."

Cat vs. the 4th dimension Part 2 of 3

Snoops did simple motions X-Cat did what Snoops did, when Snoops did! Snoops felt like punching himself to destroy X-Cat. But that would also be suicide. He wanted to get rid of X-Cat but not hurt himself in public. He ran to someone in uniform. "Mr! Mr!...Lokey! Lokey," said Snoops. "Help me! There's this phsyco freak cat from the 4th dimension who does and looks like me!" "That's your reflection, sir." Lokey said.

Cat vs. the 4th dimension Part 1 of 3

Snoops K. Itten, was looking for mirrors when he looked in one. He jumped. He walked away. Let's call the cat in the mirror "X-Cat". X- Cat walked where Snoops walked! Snoops walked back.X-Cat was back! Snoops did simple motions X-Cat did what Snoops did, when Snoops did! Snoops felt like punching himself to destroy X-Cat. But that would also be suicide.
To be continued

Taxi cat passes out on the job.

Taxi cat Seth Wingding was driving 4 cats. Lokey, Ozzie, Snoops, and Abbey."Guess my name!" He said, obviously unaware of the name tag taped to the back of his seat. "Seth Wingding!" Said Lokey. Moments later, they missed a turn. "Seth! You missed a turn!" Said Lokey. "You ran a red light!" Lokey looked at him. "Oh no!" "What? Is he unconscious?!" Said Abbey. She, Snoops, and Ozzie laughed. "I hate to break it to you guys, but he is unconscious!" Said Lokey. Silence. "Hoo boy." Said Snoops. Lokey took the wheel. "Guys! Ya know what time it is?" "6:30?" asked Abbey. "No!" Said Lokey! "Sleepover time! At my place!" They stopped at a red light. Lokey crossed out the name on the name tag and put "Lokey". "Thats better!" He said. "Yeah, until he changes his name to 'Lokey' and says 'Guess my name!'" Commented Ozzie. Once they got to Lokey's place, Lokey called 311. "We have an unconscious taxi cat here and his car. Could you take him to the Police station or something? Thanks. Good-bye." Lokey said. "Ok, the cops are gonna be here soon. Take off the blindfold and the duct tape on his mouth." The Kittyville Police showed up and took the taxi cat to the police station.

Aliens Invade Kittyville...Almost

A tourist named Abbey was wandering into Kittyville when she saw a U.F.O! She ran to Snoops' house and reported it to Snoops, who called 911. Police Crowded the spaceship. Aliens came out with what they called "Lightsabers". They looked like cruddy flashlights that only went 1 foot away. They made odd sounds like "voom" and "Ksssshhhh!" "The aliens looked like humans!"
Commented one cat. "They look like the characters from the movie 'Aliens Invade Kittyville!'
Commented another. One cat fainted, tripping one motorcycle rider, who ended up doing some cool moves. (360s) He crashed into the U.F.O. "He is safley in the hospital and healing with flying colors." said Dr. Boogbarg. (Responsible for injured motorcycle rider.) The aliens were just "lightsaber" dueling and not having anything to do with the public. "Why'd ya land HERE?! Next time, land in Dogberg! And make the public work there butts off!" Yelled one cat. One alien choked him. One black-belt cat judo-kicked both aliens. "Fight on your OWN planet!" and he threw them into the spaceship. They flew off immediately. The black-belt was named Ozzie C. At. He got the "I'msobraveIwentupagainstaliens" award.

"The HOT Dog"

Resident and food critique/comparer of Kittyville Lokey, walked over to Ozzie's hot hot hot dogs and good good good cheezburgers. Lokey ordered a double-triple-extra-spicy-
devilhot-hotdog and a extra-cheesy-mega-ultra-supersized-cheezburger with fries and the
Medium Sodey-poparoo. The sign didn't lie. "It was devilhot. It was extra cheesy. I might have
thought poorly, but some cats will like it. I give it a 10543890582 out of 10." commented
Lokey. Tourist note: Ozzie's hot hot hot hotdogs and good good good cheezburgers it the best place to sit down, and eat. Cheezburger: $2.50 Hotdog: $3.00 Wednesday's Whole Enchilada special: $ 4.00

A Very "Snotty" Stuation

Local House cat "Ozzie C. At was at the Local
Kittyville lab tour Exhibit: Security Creatures Embryos: Watch them form! when "Tchoo!" Ozzie sneezed. "It was a blast ofblinding fury." the victim confirmed. Officer Snoops K. Itten rushed in the room from security. Ozzie sneezed again. S.W.A.T. Team members pounced in front of the snot, protecting the other tour members.
Some of the snot got to embryos of local security
animals and they turned into mutants. Someone must
have left the hydrating door open. Many were injured in this epic battle. "It was more intense than 'Friday Night Smackdown' by far" quoted Snoops. Ozzie was sent to S.W.A.T. HQ in the helicopter by S.W.A.T.
Member Lokey, who later returned to the lab.
Kittyville was prepared for this. Snoops found the
local mad scientist Dr. Furnis. Furnis was
flabbergasted at the thought of his securifying
embryos destroying all of Kittyville. Or he
was freaked out by his YouTube video. "He
paused so dramaticlly. I knew he was dumbfounded."
Furnis claimed he was watching YouTube: "It's Peanut
Butter Jelly Time" which is highly attractive. Snoops
convinced to make a Furnissecurifyingembryosemergency
bomb, that wouldn't effect the cats, thereby giving them an
advantage. "If it wasn't for Snoops, we would've died!" Said a tour bystander.
Noone mentioned Furnis, for he made the embryos.
The bomb managed to get rid of the embryos, and while Furnis
Is working on a snot-proof embryo, cats will stand guard of Kittyville.