Sunday, June 7, 2009

Local cat "Extracts" bomb

Local Cat Snoops was walking along casually when something caught his eye. It was a cylinder of something. It had a label, but Snoops is a kitten. And everyone knows you have to be a cat to read. Snoops was flabbergasted. He
hadn't seen it before. He'd seen the blue one and the red one, but not the ORANGE. He dialed - in his haste - 919, which is the therapist. T: Hello?
S: I found the orange one. T: Ok. Now you need Lavender, Peach Rainbow, etc. - Hang Up - - Hang Up - There was liquid inside. Snoops drank it. Then he felt a giant force inside. He burped and it hit the can and BLEW it up.
So really the moral is: NEVER DRINK FANTA.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Local Drunkard-artist arrested P1

Local drunk Seamus F. O'Reilly, was looking for a job when he saw: "Artist". He thanked his copy of "The Kitty City Gazette". His cousin, Ramona, lived in Kitty City, and sent him old copies that she hadn't urinated on. Seamus went to the Kitty City "NEWS JOB" building. The "NEWS JOB" building, is a place where you get jobs from news ads. Seamus had to paint an audition painting. He painted "Invisible Cheezburger". He won the job. His first masterpiece was painted drunk. It was called "Phsyco Viking Mario Riding My Brother". He got arrested for being drunk and painting.
More news tomorow...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Local citizen makes pirated NES games

Local cat Ozzie C. At, was caught pirating old Nintendo NES games. He was doing Super Mario Bros. at the time. He had files and instructions on his iPhone 3G. Even his to-do list said "Bootleg NES/Wii/Gamecube/Game boy games. Sell. Title: "Oz's Games! All your Nintendo favs! Eat pie." Eat pie? We don't know. We're sure the judge will find out. He was also pirating CD's and DVD's. DVD company was "DIC" and the CD's were "Aerosmith","U2" and "AC/DC". "I did what any cat would do," said Oz in court. "You, my judge and friend, STOLE MCDOMESTICS GOOD - GOOD - GOOD FRIEZ!!!" The judge put his head in hands and started sobbing.
More on this tommorow...

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Local cat gets hit by rubber chicken

Local pack-cat Ozzie C. At, was at Lunch. The skeptical Junior in St. Catrick's High School was tearing away at his dessert. His friend Lokey came over to him. "Hey O-man wazzup?" He asked. "Oh nothing," said Ozzie. "Something's kinda bothering me." "Well, if you're troubled, talk to Lokey," Lokey said. "That's what Snoops says to his pals." "That jerk?" Ozzie asked "Pfffffft! He talks to himself for friends. Which explains why he says to go to you." "It was a... prank! You had the idea!" Lokey said. "Lokey," Ozzie chimed in. "I said to be a fortune teller. You, setup the parank. You know, the permanent mind bogglers?" "Yeah" Lokey responded. Orsin, this freak and Ninja-addict cat, was hiding under table 7. He had a six shooter... of rubber chickens. Brought to you by Uncle Pun! He aimed carefully, considering he was a sharpshooter. He was in Future-Recruits 7 grade+ Boot camp. He was a recruit of Captain Squirr. El. He aimed and fired. Ozzie, (instead of Lokey,) was hit in the back of his "wittew" head. (little head.) Orsin was spotted and accused and taken to the principal. Professor Abbey. He ended up with a punishment of two years in Future-Recruits 7 grade+ Boot Camp. Abbey obviously forgot the crime was "shooting" and this will only repeat what happened today. Lokey saw the scene and was about to report...too late. He drew a picture.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Local cat gets laptop stolen by cops

Local Freshman in College Snoops K. Itten, was eating at "Mcdomestics" when he dropped his Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwich. "Ugh!" It landed in his lap. Snoops continued eating. He opened up his backpack and took out his laptop. He opened up the file Snack.jpg. "Ohhhhhh Yeahhhh..." Mumbled Snoops. He was proud of his jpg's. He had files called "Snack, Tornado hitting hamburger, Cool drawing of Groucho Marx, and LOLcat on CNN". But who doesn't have LOLcat on CNN? He finished his lunch and went home. When he got home he
called his friend. They talked for 3 hours complaining about phone bills. He put his laptop on the charger and went downstairs. He played Wii for an hour and a half. He went upstairs to upload his Spring Break pics onto his laptop. Not because they were awsome, because they could save as jpg's. Snoops' laptop was gone! He called 911. Snoops: "Hello? Someone stole my laptop!" 911: "Ummmmm... we'll get right on it...? What's the serial number?" Snoops: "4675C4578V984278Q037429Q!" 911: "Ok."
Three days later, The Cats News hadn't published anything about a search. Snoops went to the police station. He went to the main desk and saw the police (Ok, Snoops has won the best jpg's award and was on JPG or channel 457690) looking at his jpg's! They stole it! Snoops said the cops should arrest themselves. The boss arrested them. Snoops is happy he has his jpg's back.

Cat gets fired P2

Tuesday, March 31

Snoops' boss has recived 679 pleading notes and chooses to ignore the mailman by watching Youtube. "Until he comes in with a sword, I'm watchin' vids." Commented the boss. Snoops is searching for work at a bed company. With his lack of work, he might just want free naps.